Dreams vs Scream
by Kate-Emma
Summary: Complete - Song-Fic - Nav muses on what life handed her, what life took away and how things could have been so different if she had been given her dream instead of a scream... Nav/ET Season 3
1. Gone

Dream vs. Scream

One life. One moment. One second. Then, he was gone…

Part One:  
Gone

A time together encapsulated by three little words: dream versus scream…

One life. One moment. One second. Then, he was gone. Years of their lives together ripped apart. There were only two options for the future: dream or scream. It seemed the world had chosen for her…

_Shut up and listen, and come out of the cold  
Time away has simply left me down so I'll promptly ask for affection - ya never know…_

There was no goodbye. As if there ever could be a goodbye that would be enough. Enough to sum up weeks, months and years of avoidance and denial. All the time spent trying to move on, trying to struggle on through that ever-present reminder that your feelings are stronger than your will. Then a chance and a chance lost. Hiding, anger and pain. We thought we could survive apart, but one onboard situation and one bird flu boat later we knew it couldn't be true. But then we were left with the one problem that stood above everything else the whole time – it could never be.

At least, it could never be on here.

So someone had to go.

But it wasn't meant to go like this…

_Goodbye  
I guess you know  
I guess I heard  
I guess I know you hurt  
Goodbye  
I guess I know, unless I hurt  
But this is just a guess_

Now it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to move.

Until you experience it yourself, it's hard to appreciate just how much something like this can rip at your every core. You feel sick to the stomach, unable to eat without feeling nauseous. You feel weak, unable to stand without holding onto something. Your toes are always cold, your hands always shake, and your ears ring. Your head hurts, your eyes sting and your throat burns with the lack of saliva. You want to cry, but nothing comes out. You want to scream, but you don't have a voice. You want to punch something, but you don't have the strength. You want to lie down and sleep, but every dream wakes you. You want to lie down and die, but it just isn't that easy.

Every breath is him. Every song is him. Every breeze. Every ray of sunlight. Every splash of waves, noise of a bird, word that went unsaid. Everything, everywhere, and there's no escape.

Every dream shattered…

Every scream goes unheard…

One moment wasted.

One second lost.

One life…

Gone.


	2. Dream

Part Two:  
Dream

_Shut up and listen, and come out of the cold  
I'll awake this sleeping dragon now and I'll probably ask for directions - ya never know_

It starts with a fish…

_Take a left at the pass  
Take another left past the lake  
Don't forget, read the signs  
Credible your witness  
Can I take a stab at your cake?_

It was the moment I was supposed to remember forever. That one little fish. Lancelot. That one little treasure chest. Those two little words. It was straight out of a dream.

He was leaving the Navy.

He was taking up a diving job.

Moments in the future played out in my head…

Shore leaves.

Wedding.

Family.

Contentment.

Everything I deserved.

That night I dreamt, I slept peaceful with his hand on my waist and mine on his chest. It was right. It was how it should have been before.

I awoke with a ring on my hand, a note on my pillow and a song in my heart.

Life was about to become good.

Even the tune was uplifting.

It shook my every core.

And I could still smell him on my pillow.

I would see him again soon, I knew that, and I fell back against my pillow, staring at my hand with a joy I had never felt before.

Life made sense.

Life was a dream.

And I was it's princess…

_Kiss the scene goodbye…_


	3. Scream

Part Three:  
Scream

_I will scream your name, as I breakout in time.  
I will be the same, still the man of many lines.  
I will dream your name, 'til I break down and die.  
I will be the same, still the man of many lies._

He didn't answer my calls. He didn't come rescue my Lancelot. He didn't come for one last mission. He was supposed to be there. He was supposed to be fine. I was supposed to know something was wrong.

How did I not know?

How could I not feel it in my bones?

They say you know. They say your heart starts to beat irregularly, your breathing quickens and your bones begin to ache. I felt nothing. I thought nothing. We were crash-sailed. Maybe he was just late.

Just late.

Just too late.

But when the word came in from Navcom about the boat on Red Reef, the eight missing fishermen, it was then that I knew. Cold chills. I couldn't move. The white noise in my ears. The stinging and watering eyes. I knew. But I had to see.

The first man, nothing.

Purposeful in my stride, I continued. I would find him here, I knew that and as much as I didn't want to see him, I knew I had to be the one to find him. No one else. Me.

The second man, nothing.

Words screamed at me from either side of my head. He's okay. He'll be next. He wasn't here. He'll be next. He's at home now. He'll be next.

He was next.

I didn't even register my own scream, just the sound of it hitting my ears. I heard it, and I knew it was me, but still I couldn't quite connect the sound to the movement of my own mouth.

I gaped like a fish.

Like a fish.

Like Lancelot.

I couldn't find anything to say, seated on that beach, waist deep in water, surrounded by the dead, my crew and my fiancé. My dead fiancé.

And my only thought was with my fish…

_Goodbye…_

Lyrics: Dream vs. Scream - Gyroscope


End file.
